Well, its that time again, after being successfully single for some time you get that itch to mess up blissful contentedness and self sufficiency by distracting yourself with the opposite sex. Maybe its an innocent peak at a free dating site, or a cheeky flirt with someone you have had your eye on. Either way what have you got to lose… right? Initially, its all fun and games. You’re so grounded and comfortable on your own that you actually feel no need for another person in your life. If anything its a bit of a time waster, a peak into an alternate universe where life could be potentially different all because of another person in your life. And then it happens… ever so slightly, the need begins. That bored interest turns to excitement and the mind runs away with potential thoughts of the future….All that positive energy you gained by being alone, now seems to be completely lost. All of the sudden you are relying on someone else for affirmation… and when it ends……. it’s chocolate and champagne time.
It’s been a while since I’ve written, not that I haven’t had the time or that Ive been un-inspired. I have just been a bit distracted. I found myself in a happy place where everything was going well. This is a positive thing, but being a normal human, I wanted more. My mind started wandering to the “what if I had someone to share this with” side of things. This thought process in itself is not negative, in fact it can open your mind and heart to others and different experiences. But the sense of lacking or the emptiness you find when things don’t quite go the way you envision can really throw you off balance. This is what happened to me. I went from feeling complete and whole to a bit discontented with what I had. I started blaming every day challenges on the fact that my life was in fact no longer complete. This virtually happened overnight. In watching others around me find love, I began to almost panic and finally started looking at myself with disdain thinking that something was wrong with me… there had to be… WHY WAS I SO UN-LOVEABLE???!!!!! I’m no expert on the inner workings of the male mind, but in “girl world” our minds start running away on their own as soon as the guy we are talking to starts ticking a few boxes. Within a couple days, ok maybe minutes, we could be changing the mindset from ” do I even like this guy?” to “I wonder what our kids would look like?”. (Don’t worry the subsequent reaction isn’t exactly a pat on the back from my inner judge). In the same sense, if we don’t have that “perfect boyfriend” and we start paying attention to media, we will all the sudden get carried away with worry. Worry turns to panic and within a very short time what didn’t even matter before will consume our every waking thought. The point is, our minds are amazing assets. If we monitor the mind and keep it in check, we can live in peace and move towards our goals with grace and joy. However, if the mind is allowed to roam un-checked it can turn on us like a weapon and obliterate all sense of happiness and order. One minute I am on the road of focus, spending all my spare moments thinking business minded, ambitious thoughts. In the next minute all of the things that define me have taken a back seat to my conviction that something is inherently wrong with me and I will never find love again. In speaking to Monique in depth and also in writing this, its become very clear to me that the pressure I feel in regards to needing a partner to complete me is self inflicted. One minute I am banging on about how all of us have a soul mate and why worry, eventually he will find me..(probably in some heroic act of rescue…. just sayin). In the next minute I find myself frantically flipping through pictures ready to choose the first guy that shows any interest in me, as god forbid I end up a lonely spinster. But here is the catch. I have already experienced relationships that took a lot of work and a lot of forcing. What I want is something easy. As soon as something feels difficult or forced… that’s usually a good indication that it’s not the correct fit. I want to find my best friend… (the male version that is- sorry Mon) and then I want to love the living day-lights out of him… forever. So in closing, is there really an urgency to all this? I don’t think so. Is my story of finding true love really going to include how I chased my other half down and convinced him that I was worthy? God I certainly hope not. So here I am again, removed from all dating services and back to what I know best.. watching Netflix in bed with Monique on Friday nights and smashing chocolate before falling into blissful sleep and dreaming of… my one true love.